“I want to speak to a manager,” the middle-aged woman said in her stern I-used-to-be-a-soccer-mom-ten-years-ago voice, looking down at me over the top of her Gucci reading glasses.
A wicked grin split across my face and the gates of Hell opened up behind me, releasing a gust of hot wind that whipped my apron around my body and forced the woman to shield her face. Demons came forth, dancing around in flames with songs of, “She wants to speak to a manager. Did you hear that? She wants to speak to a manager!” before erupting into earsplitting shrieks of laughter, none louder than my own cackling.
I took in the woman’s look of utter horror before my eyes rolled back into my head and I growled,
Do you ever start bullshitting a paper, and then look over it halfway through and think, ’…Wait a minute, I could be onto something here.’
this is the definition of college.
I’d have killed for this level of competency. I wrote my undergrad dissertation non-sequentially, then didn’t edit it, and didn’t read it until less than half an hour before I was supposed to defend it. It was the most incomprehensible load of dogshit I’ve ever heaved onto paper but I already knew it’d gotten inexplicably high marks so I knew if I just stood my ground in defense it would hold water.
In other news my undergrad uni is basically a degree mill because if they’ll grade that dissertation highly they’ll let anyone graduate.
I block quoted my way through life. Four lines, with margins on both sides indented so it looked beefier as well as padded my word count? FY block quotes. That’s really clever of you, though. Wish I’d thought of it!
Step 1: buy dogwhistle
Step 2: blow dogwhistle near a lot of people
Possible outcome 1: Somebody comes close to you or asks what that sound was. You’ve found the werewolf.
Possible outcome 2: no werewolves but dogs come to you and you can pet dogs!! Who doesnt like to pet dogs????
Waiting for Winter 