You know what’s better than dates for Valentine’s Day? Books! They’ll break your heart just like a relationship, but you don’t have to deal with custody fights over mutual friends afterwards!

Alright so here’s the deal: I need to seriously downsize the amount of stuff I have. However, I have a lot of books. A lot a lot of books. Not to fear, though! Husband got me a Kindle for Crimbo. So I’ve been working to replace a lot of my physical books with electronic copies.

What does this have to do with you? Well, it means I currently have a lot of books that need to go! So I’m having a book giveaway because this is better than giving them back to the thrift shops. Wanted to try a book out but can’t afford it? Now’s your chance! Want to try something entirely different? What an opportunity! Don’t have enough books? Of course you fucking don’t! Have enough books? Don’t fucking lie!

I will ship this shit pretty much anywhere. If you have any questions about whether or not I’ll ship to whatever rock you live under, just feel free to ask!

Rules:

1. You gotta be following me. I ain’t quite that charitable that I’ll give away shit to strangers, y’see.
2. Likes do not count. Only reblogs count.
3. Multiple reblogs are allowed; I will literally never turn down extra exposure to more people I can irritate.
4. Deadline is 11:59pm EST on 13 February, 2016. Reblogs after that receive only my appreciation, not my consideration.
5. Three (3) randomly selected winners will be announced by no later than 5:00pm EST 15 February 2016. You’ll be tagged in the announcement post, so make sure to check on that shit.
6. I am only giving away books. Don’t ask for any of the props in the pictures cause that’s all they are.
7. Don’t like how I categorised the books? Great! Send me an ask and tell me how far I had my head up my ass! They will be answered publicly.

Prizes:

• First Prize — Four (4) books of your choice. You get first pick.
• Second Prize — Three (3) books of your choice. You get to choose after the first winner.
• Third Prize — Two (2) books of your choice. You choose from what’s left over.

The Books:

That Really Happened! (Nonfiction)

1. In The Beginning…Was The Command Line, by Neal Stephenson
2. Knuckle Sandwich, by Jason Peacock
3. The Confessions of St Augustine
4. Don’t Stop Me Now, by Jeremy Clarkson
5. I’m A Stranger Here Myself, by Bill Bryson
6. A Short History of Nearly Everything, by Bill Bryson

For the Kid in All of Us (YA/Children’s)

1. Fighting Fantasy: Bloodlines, by Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone
2. Holes, by Louis Sachar
3. Mr. Funderburk Meets 5A, by Terry Markoff
4. project e.d.e.n., by B. Mauritz
5. Be An Interplanatary Spy: Red Rocket, by Seth McEvoy

Shit You Were Supposed to Have Read By Now:

1. Madame Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert [NOTE: This book is in French]
2. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams
3. The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe, by Douglas Adams
4. Life, the universe and everything, by Douglas Adams
5. So long, and thanks for all the fish, by Douglas Adams
6. Julius Caesar, by Shakespeare
7. The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien
8. As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner
9. The Old Man And The Sea, by Ernest Hemingway

All Others

1. The Kindly Ones, by Jonathan Littel
2. The Old Dog Barks Backwards, by Ogden Nash
3. Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, by David Sedaris
4. Naked Pictures of Famous People, by Jon Stewart
5. Child 44, by Tom Rob Smith
6. The Secret Speech, by Tom Rob Smith
7. Jack & Jill, by James Patterson