his-name-was-writ-in-water:

viscountnelson:

his-name-was-writ-in-water:

viscountnelson:

I miscalculated the distance, and I slammed into the window, headfirst.

Are you a pigeon

Do pigeons do that?

Loudly and hilariously, yes

A while back, a large woodpecker(a fantastically stupid bird, I’ve noticed) hit my glass balcony door so hard it dazed itself, and sat on its ass, wings lax to its sides, visibly reeling like in a cartoon. It then recovered, and promptly flew into the black metal railing of my balcony before finally escaping through the bars into the wooded area beyond.

And yeah, had a lot of mourning doves hit the door, too.

I think I died in my (brief, brief) sleep and now I’m in hell. I feel like roadkill and I’m sat in a fast food joint ten feet from some guy watching a talk show on his phone with no headphones and smacking and chewing so loud I can hear him over the general din of a fast food joint.

kastortheunspareable:

transhumanisticpanspermia:

transhumanisticpanspermia:

the dopest thing about horses is that they’re basically grass engines

like, grass goes in, fast comes out

most things that produce fast (like cheetahs, and cars) use much more heavily processed grass, like horses, and oil

and yet here horses are, producing The Fast with only The Grass

i made this post over a year ago and somehow in the past four hours or so it got 1,300 notes?

this is a finely aged shitpost, over a year old, sealed in an oaken barrel to give it the optimal flavour.

ugly-bread:

pluspluspangolin:

sigmaleph:

responsible-reanimation:

thesleepiestboy:

dadcore420:

redfurniture:

spacebattles:

I wish more foods were named in the same vein as “I Can’t Believe Its Not Butter!”

You’ve Got To Be Pulling My Leg, THIS Is Ranch?!

Shut The Fuck Up, Are You Telling Me This Shit Is Ketchup??

I Firmly Believe This Is Not Mustard And I Am Horribly Wrong

I Refused To Believe That This Condiment Was Barbecue Sauce, And I Have Been Summarily Flayed For My Apostasy

I Assigned Negligible Probability To This Being Chili Sauce And Have Since Updated

In Which Your Humble Narrator Assumed That The Substance Within This Container Was Not Worchestershire Sauce Only To Be Rudely Awakened From This Delusion By Mysterious Circumstances

Fuck me, Linda, if this shit is mayonnaise I’m going to sell my first-born